Botched: A D&d Podcast

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Richard Niple really needs to learn how to shut up. Also, don’t take away the drink of the gods. Even if they’re fat gods! Now he is a big wobbly ball of lard that is completely helpless. Fret not, the rest of the party isn’t far behind in pissing off these deities who shouldn’t be screwed with. If they can manage to get past them, maybe they can finally get their way to Warren! How are they going to get the King of the Dreamlands to leave? How are they going to convince the gods to let them pass? How many names does this dark entity terrorizing the land have? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer from the long long ago of the 1970’s or a newbie who is interested in hearing what this devil

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! A bonus episode! Since we will be doing Space Vikings for our live show at DragonCon 2019, we thought it only fitting to share the related Patreon episodes with you! Now that you’ve been introduced to our weird characters, they still have to get off this planet.  They’re currently dealing with some weird goblin like creatures while also following around a big lizard for a funeral. Yrtle may get run over by a buggy, classic turtle. Landing on strange planets, ruining the inhabitant’s customs are just normal daily fare for these folks. If you can make it, come check out our live show at the Hilton in Atlanta, GA! Saturday August 31, 2019 at 10:00 PM. Hang out, have a laugh and a couple shots! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a vet

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Is it possible for these dumb dumbs to not destroy everything around them? No, of course not. So, everything is turning to mush as they head to the docks. I’m sure there won’t be a giant monster destroying everything. If there was some way to reset the whole thing that would be nice. If that could happen who knows what the group may find. Maybe some nice weasel folk who can give directions. Will the group find such a reset button for The Dreamlands? What is the real value of a qualahoon? How do you earn the favor of weasel folk? How do gods lose weight? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer from the long long ago of the 1970’s or a newbie who is interested in hearing what this devil worshi

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! A bonus episode! Since we will be doing Space Vikings for our live show at DragonCon 2019, we thought it only fitting to share the related Patreon episodes with you! The series picks up in no particular place with a rag tag group of Space Vikings doing whatever it is that Space Vikings do! Each character is out of their mind in their own special way and of course, in normal Botched fashion, aim to mess up someone else’s day. Join the group as they attempt to explore a strange planet in search of fuel for their space boat. If you can make it, come check out our live show at the Hilton in Atlanta, GA! Saturday August 31, 2019 at 10:00 PM. Hang out, have a laugh and a couple shots! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Ouch. Well, I suppose that’s not the worse way to go? Okay, it was pretty bad to get disemboweled by a bicycle. Not to mention it was a bicycle they dreamed up. I’m not 100% sure why he wanted cum and piss, but at least Kvrt obliged his need for urine. Now the guys need to find Warren. He could really be anywhere…like the giant castle. No, that is too obvious. Let’s go check out the cat town! Time seems to be a little off around here. I mean, the getting in trouble for theft, fraud, and threatening a minor is absolutely bonkers, but time does seem to keep on skipping, skipping, skipping, into the future. What is going on in this strange cat town? Who is this vicious child in the fighting pit? What is a moon beast? Why would you want to ferment cat’s milk? What the fuck is a qualahoon? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps,

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! While the group has decided to go to The Dreamlands. It doesn’t seem like it’s the easiest place to get to. In fact, Warren and Francis don’t seem all that enthused on sharing the secrets of how to get there. Hell, Warren isn’t even present. His brother Francis watches over him while he rules The Dreamlands under some other name. The group does eventually decide to brave The Dreamlands though. However, it’s not like a normal dream. Things that happen there carry over to the real world, so danger is just as dangerous! What sort of crazy inhabits The Dreamlands? How do you get to The Dreamlands? How do you have a four-person bicycle? What is cum piss? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer fr

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! The group has made a decision! Screw that Nadir guy, let’s all go to The Dream Lands! That sounds like a nice place, filled with candy and puppies. The group must seek out a pair of brothers who are experts on the matter. Apparently, adults are not welcome in Dreamland, because they lack the same sort of imagination as children. After the group learns about how far schools are from the church, they make their way towards the brothers, who live outside the city. They soon discover that not all is as simple as just driving up and asking for help. What would happen if the newly worried Dixon was separated from his compatriots? What sort of abilities do these brothers have? How does the priest know about all these strange people? What the hell does a person have to do to get a cheeseburger? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Somehow the group made it out of a confrontation with an outer god and didn’t die. Sure, a couple of them are a little mangled from removing mutated flesh, but at least they’re still alive? First order of business is getting out of these sewers. However, that won’t be so easy as there seems to be a power struggle between different factions. If they should make it out and back to the church, they are going to have to figure out what to do next. Maybe, Father Bierce came up with some new information for the group? What are these creatures made of black goop just taking people away? Why do the police seem to be covering everything up? What are these continuing nightmares? Why is it important to check for traps? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholl

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Here is an important question: Would it have better to not interrupt the milk drinking ceremony? We will never know, because they did of course, and now a big giant black tentacle monster has started growing. Not to mention there’s a large breasted woman lurking about. I’m sure it’s just some naked chick covered in tar…and not some sort of horrific outer god overseeing this ceremony. The group has to come up with a way to stop the giant monster, and we can see how each of them deals with their problems. Dixon runs up and deals with them head on. Kvurt runs around waiting for the future to tell him what to do while he plays with his cards. Montana rolls out, firing wildly and Richard just pushes him/throws him around. How will they get out of this alive? Why are these horrifying beings popping up under and around the city? Is there anything else down in the sewers? Does milk really do a body good? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose underst

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Why must they destroy people’s offices? Sure, it was a morbidly obese man who is being paid off by the mafia, but still. Ground rules man. However, they get the information they sneak (and snacks) and head towards the sewers in question. The only way inside is by a well-timed and well thought out diversion. Down in the sewers everything seems fine…at first…but there are a lot of different options. Hopefully they will not find anything horrifying down there. What kind of diversion works on mafia? What is down in the sewers? What kind of cultists drink milk? Does anyone remember how shotgun range works? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer from the long long ago of the 1970’s or a newbie wh

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! How is it, that this group of dumb dumbs can’t figure out why when they murder indiscriminately, not everyone is cool with that? In this instance it’s a pair of house spirits. Now they are stuck in the house while the house is trying to kill them. Good. Meanwhile, Wheels is stuck in the car playing with a safe. Must be the spinning dial. Reminds him of his wheels. Comforting. Kvurt is, for some reason, trying to get into the murder house. I wonder who of these idiots will make it out alive. Once they do, I assume they are going to make their way back to the church. Perhaps Father Bierce has some more news on the strange goings on in the city. Hmmmmm, missing sewer technicians eh? Who would be the guy in charge of the sewers? Will Father Bierce believe whatever ridiculous story they come up with? Did the son make it to the Pacific Northwest? Does this secretary seem familiar? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Maybe someday I will be surprised by these morally bereft people. Today is not one of those days. Kvurt, not one to pass up on a good scam, is peddling his Sven services yet again. However, the group also seems to be on a more mischievous mission: sending Goggles home with Clive Barker. However, maybe Clive isn’t quite the bad guy in this situation. It seems no one is 100% innocent. Something is definitely wrong with this house, and maybe these idiots might actually be capable of fixing it…but at what cost? Why did Clive curse the house? What ridiculous scam is Kvurt planning now? What happens if you touch that scooter in the garage? Is the dad actually dead? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! These nightmares are really getting out of hand! Kvurt is rapidly losing his mind. The group needs to come up with some way to soothe his mental pain…or melt his brain in such a way he forgets his trauma. Six of one half a dozen of another. Father Bierce has some serious concerns about the recent events that the crew has been involved in. Further research is needed. Meanwhile, the group decides to investigate some strange home incidents. They quickly find that things are a little more complicated…which makes it easier for them to be horrible people. How will they reduce Kvurt’s insanity? What is the strange creature inhabiting the house they are investigating? Does Kvurt actually speak with the dead or does he simply make it up? What makes a raccoon the coolest of all time? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, a

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! The crew is out for a little boat ride and sight-seeing. So far everyone who goes to Staten Island, either runs away or goes missing. I’m sure things will be different for our group of merry men though. Hey, it seems like there’s some sort of party going on! If only they were driving a party boat instead of a monster hunting boat. I wonder what is going on with this island. What are these mysterious freighters? What is in all of this cargo? What does this snake pendant do? Why is the tugboat pulling a swan boat? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer from the long long ago of the 1970’s or a newbie who is interested in hearing what this devil worshipping game is all about, Botched: A D&D Po

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! In the aftermath of the warehouse massacre, we have seemingly lost one of our members…but a new, equally messed up character has entered the game. Those of you who are not patrons don’t know this, but Jon killed me in one of our Patreon episodes and I vowed to take his legs…well now, I have fulfilled that promise. I’m sure 1932 New York was very handicap accessible, so a wheelchair should have no issue getting around. The group has now decided to take a break and look for information elsewhere; in the bar of Sal’s, with one of Dixon’s old flames. Not only that, but we finally get to meet the now legendary Sven. Who is this old flame? What sort of information will she have? What exactly do these magical items they got from Nadir do? What is Sven really like? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intrica

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Just so you know listeners. If you rip a hole in your chest for a giant eye to pop out of…it is most likely going to become infected. The group seems to have gotten themselves into a rather gory situation. I mean aside from all the veins adorning the room…and the body parts…and the gateway made of people…and the inhuman abomination, it’s a pretty nice location. Honestly, these jackasses have no business at all fighting something that may or may not be related to an outer god. Yog’sothoth ain’t nothin to fuck with. At least Samuel Surgeon isn’t around to have to deal with this shit. How is the group going to deal with this monster? What is on the other side of that gateway? Will they all make it out unscathed? What the hell has Samuel Surgeon been up to? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! A new player has entered the game! Who is this Nadir anyways? They’ve given the group a job, sounds simple enough; go get a book. Granted, the book is currently in the hands of the accountant for one of the most vicious mobsters in New York, but it’s just an accountant. How hard could it be? They are given a gift in exchange for their service. A nice leather coat…made of a lot of different leathers. Samuel Surgeon has run off this week to who knows where, but I’m sure he’s not doing anything illegal or anything. What is he up to? Why are all the police surrounding the accountant’s “office?” What is the deal with this leather coat? What does body art mean? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon sla

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Kvurt continues to educate us on the many talents of Sven and also show that Scandinavians have some really awful people. However, he does seem to be really good at finding rubes and tricking them into services. The group continues their investigation into the recent deaths by falling “bears.” Their investigation leads them to Central Park and the homeless population living alongside the “monster.” Father Bierce has learned of a vendor of rare antiquities, that may prove useful to our adventurers. Who is this mysterious salesman? If he doesn’t take money, what does he take? What is the creature terrorizing Central Park? What the hell is vegemite? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran dragon slayer from

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! Well, that’s one way to deal with a problem. Pass it to someone else! Jersey Devil “taken care of,” the group returns home but not before perusing the belongings of the journalist. Having recently acquired a printing press, a car and possibly a home, what will the group do with these new assets? Not too much time to think on it as the group is on to the next case; a small bear murdering people by jumping on their heads. That, apparently, is not their only target as they stumble upon different victims. Does Kvurt actually have powers? What sort of small bear could be murdering people? How many services does Sven provide? How many bear puns can they come up with? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons. If you are a veteran drag

Welcome to Botched: A D&D Podcast! The memory of our defenders against evil have still not returned. The hope is that working a case may bring some clarity. The first monster in their crosshairs? The Jersey Devil. I mean, it’s just a myth right? There’s not some goat-headed, bat winged, voracious creature running around murdering people right? It is possible the myths were true after all. They first need to gather some information from the source; The Broncks Bulletin. One way or another, with voluntary or involuntary help, they are going to find this beast. Is it actually the Jersey Devil? How good are these men at monster hunting? Will their memories ever return? What would they do if they had a “free” printing press? Tune in and find out! Join in on the banter as these dickheads whose understanding of the rules is questionable, and their moral compasses are even more so, stumble through dungeons, traps, monsters, and social intricacies as they attempt to complete a quest for wholly selfish reasons.