Torturevision Television

Professor Jonathan Chase has the amazing (and completely mysterious) ability to transform into any kind of animal he wants... though for the most part he usually just chooses to be a panther. He uses this unique power to fight crime, and violate the privacy of unsuspecting women. We watched this mighty morphing panther pervert's very first adventure, the self-titled pilot episode, Manimal.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the wrong movie. The humans were the ones digging in this film, and they released a plague of fire-breathing dragons upon the world. Now, the whole of Azeroth will break, and all will burn beneath the shadow of their wings. Damn it, I got sidetracked again! This isn't Lord of the Rings, or World of Warcraft... this is Reign of Fire!TortureVision Rating: GOODGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Went down to China, got addicted to speed. Who cares? When the pills became a habit, I nearly OD'ed. No one glared. 'Cause sometimes cravings get out of control and no ones spared. All the drugs went down below- through my guts and into my soul... gonna need the best rehab that we can get. According to the sober bible, life is more than meth revival... and we just might live the clean life yet. TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

New York City is crawling with various street gangs, all hostile to one another, but Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the Gramercy Riffs, wants to set aside all differences and create one gigantic mega-gang. Once united, Cyrus hopes to wage war against the local authorities and claim the city as his own. His glorious plans of conquest are foiled, however, when he's shot to death at a gang-land rally. The murder is unjustly attributed to the Warriors, a Coney Island gang, and thus marks them all for death. 90% of this movie is watching the Warriors “bravely” flee from danger. Film Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

At the age of 17, Abigail Foster slips into an unexpected coma. 20 years later, she awakens to a “futuristic” world where nothing is the same. It's 1984. NASA has launched the last of America's deep space probes, her sister has married her boyfriend, and malt-shops have turned into 8-bit arcades. Cosmic forces beyond all comprehension have brought us this little gem of a made-for-TV-movie, Between the Darkness and the Dawn. (We only wish it starred Erin Gray and Gil Gerard)TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Maude Findlay's a strong, mature, 47-year-old woman- an independent thinker with both razor-sharp wit and liberal sensibilities. One might even say her only flaw is her rigid revulsion to condoms. One night, after some wild, unprotected sexcapades with her husband Walter Findlay, Maude discovers that she's pregnant! Now, Maude must struggle with the options of giving birth or getting an abortion in this very special two-part episode, Maude's Dilemma. TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The polar ice caps have melted, causing a great flood that has swallowed the earth. The few unlucky survivors of this cataclysm live upon the enormous spherical sea like rats upon rafts, trying desperately to remain afloat. Our hero, the nameless mutant fish-man known only as “Mariner”, must find dry land by deciphering a crude map inked upon the back of “The Girl with the Everest Tattoo”. TortureVision Rating: GOODGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Made 40 years after the original, this film certainly looks better, but the basic storyline remains dull and uninspired. You can splash perfume on a pile of shit, but it's much more logical to flush it down the toilet. Perhaps in another 40 years we'll try again. Coming soon to theaters: House on Haunted Hill (2039)!TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

A TortureVision Holiday Special: Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12th, 1809, and in honor of his birthday we watched the atrocious distortion of his real life story, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Becoming super-human by means left wholly unexplained, Honest Abe battles against an army of Confederate vampires for the fate of our great nation. TortureVision Rating: AbortionGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

McLean Stevenson is a 52-year old actor playing Larry Alder, a 44-year old radio psychologist. Recently divorced, and retaining full custody of his two teenage daughters, Larry has moved from Los Angeles to Portland, turning the trios life completely upside down. One night, Larry's oldest daughter, Diane, is overcome with homesickness and decides to hitch a ride back to LA, in the fairly mediocre episode, The Hitchhiker.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

An eccentric millionaire offers a huge sum of money to some highly unlikable characters if they all agree to spend the night locked inside a haunted mansion. What follows is a long, ghost-free night of pointless, boring, booze-fueled babbling... and no, I'm not referring to our podcast.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The Dukes of Hazzard isn't exactly highbrow entertainment, but the scripts should still be somewhat intelligent, right? If this show once had any dignity, it jumped inside an alien spacecraft and flew far, far away in this outlandish episode, Strange Visitor to Hazzard.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

All hell breaks loose in the Owens residence when young Wesley tells his family that his best friend Dennis has AIDS. Fear and paranoia reign supreme, thanks to an appalling lack of education on the subject. Even the wise old Mr. Belvedere is clueless to the facts of the matter. Watch as reason and logic step aside for bad sitcom humor and mass hysteria in this “very special” episode, Wesley's Friend.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Young Arnold and his best friend Dudley love riding bikes. Unfortunately, the owner of their local bike shop loves riding young boys! Squirm in discomfort as you watch a dumpy, disgusting sexual predator invade an otherwise innocent sitcom in this “very special” storyline, The Bicycle Man. TortureVision Rating: GOODGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

God has washed His hands of Heaven and earth, and in His absence, His angels have splintered into two distinct factions- those who cherish peace like Eric Stoltz, and those who crave combat like Christopher Walken. This supernatural civil war can only be won by the side that possesses the corrupted soul of a racist old military general. Unfortunately, said soul resides within the body of a young Indian girl. Naturally, a grade-school teacher and a priest-turned-cop must join forces to see that the girl is properly exorcised. Wait...what?TortureVision Rating: GOODGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

It's the year 2000. America has fallen. The once great nation is now ruled by a cruel and twisted new government. Its citizens, oppressed and uneducated, are actively coaxed by the media to revel in a violent annual bloodsport known simply as the Death Race. Actors Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine--dear friends of mine--star in this trashy film that's one part gladiatorial brutality, and one part NASCAR stupidity.   TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.  Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Sylvester Stallone is Lincoln Hawk, a cross-country truck driver who abandoned his family for no discernible reason. One day, when Hawk receives word that his estranged wife is dying, he nobly decides to give fatherhood a second shot, lest his son become an orphan. Together, Hawk and son build a unique relationship upon a strong foundation of cholesterol-free dinner-dates and over the top arm-wrestling.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!