Torturevision Television

A few characters you grew to love in Jurassic Park have returned for an unnecessary sequel, determined to ruin your opinions of them and shit upon your fond memories of the original film. In this dino-sized episode we take a look back at The Lost World, as well as discuss the JP franchise as a whole.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

In matters of equality, public opinion in the 1980's was open-minded enough to give us a female superhero movie, but unfortunately our heroine was forced to act like an empty-headed bimbo. Actress Helen Slater plays Supergirl, the cousin of Superman, who comes to earth and battles a witch for the most important thing in the universe... the love of a handsome man. It's an action-less extravaganza that both bores audiences and stifles feminism!TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Joel Schumacher certainly deserved all the harsh criticism he received after his gross mishandling of the Batman franchise. Both of his Batman movies were overly colorful, campy, kid-friendly piles of crap. It should be noted, however, that Schumacher didn't exactly inherit a flawless property. When viewed through modern perspectives, pushing all nostalgia aside, Tim Burton's Batman Returns is undeniably quite silly and embarrassing.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Violently struck by lightning, saxophone sensation Johnny Domino acquires the psychic ability to “tune into the frequency of evil.” This means he can receive audio and visual transmissions of criminal activities.  If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until you heard the story behind his crime-fighting super-suit!TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

When comic books are adapted into live-action adventures, the audience often prefers a certain amount of realism be inserted into the situation- even if it doesn't necessary exist in the source material itself. Too much realism can kill off all the fun, however, just like it did in the 1970's Spider-Man television show. In this horribly boring production, Spider-Man has no comedic wit, no charismatic qualities, and most importantly... no super-villains for enemies! For this podcast we watched the second season premiere, The Captive Tower, where terrorists seized a high-rise full of civilians, but failed to capture our interests. TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!!

“Nathaniel Demerest”, the evil djinn, is once again released from gemstone quarantine- and this time his plans for world domination are completely different! Nathaniel worms his way inside a maximum security prison where he proceeds to trade wishes to hapless inmates in exchange for their souls. Upon collecting 1000 souls, Nathaniel aims to trigger the apocalypse- and only Morgana, a professional art thief, and Gregory, an uptight priest, have the strength (through Christ) to stop him. TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

“Nathaniel Demerest” is a djinn, or evil genie, who deviously uses semantics to turn peoples deepest wishes into deadly nightmares. When Alexandra, an auctioneer-slash-gym coach, unwittingly releases Nathaniel from his gemstone prison, she finds herself the target of his grievous generosity. Armed with a sharp mind, and a shitload of textbook research, Alexandra matches wits with Nathaniel in an effort to save herself (and the entire world). TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

A TortureVision Holiday Special: William Halleck is an obese lawyer who accidentally runs over a gypsy woman with his car. Calling upon friends in high places, William manages to walk away from the incident Scot-free, angering the gypsy clan. Seeking revenge, the gypsy leader curses William and his friends, forcing them to suffer for what they've done. William, now afflicted with rapid weight loss, struggles to free himself of the curse before he wastes away to nothing. We gorged on this fatty Stephen King feast with our father in celebration of Father's Day.TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Hollywood has introduced us to some really stupid characters throughout the years, but Jim Halsey might just be the worst of the bunch. While traveling out of state one day, Jim picks up a murderous hitchhiker- and Jim's piss-poor decision making skills enable these two adversaries to stick together for 97 long, insufferable minutes.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Jack Nicholson plays Will Randall, the chief editor of a prestigious publishing company. His job is very strenuous, being an environment full of high-stakes drama and politics. Oh, and Will's also a werewolf... but that aspect of his life is more-or-less treated like an unimportant side-story. TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

A TortureVision Holiday Special: Peter Cushing was born on May 26, 1913, Vincent Price was born on May 27th, 1911, and Christopher Lee was born on May 27th, 1922. In celebration of these classic horror movie legends, we watched one of only two features in which they all appeared together, Scream and Scream Again (1970). If the plot made any sense, we'd be able to summarize it for you, but unfortunately that's not an option.TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

As the world succumbs to a zombie outbreak, four survivalists take refuge inside an abandoned shopping mall. They live in relative luxury, dining on wine and Spam like kings, until a roaming gang of bikers invade their peaceful kingdom. This movie is guaranteed to get your blood pressure rising and make you hungry for whipped-cream pie.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Here at TortureVision, the manner in which we rate media is fairly simple. We reserve the “Good” rating for features that were better than expected. We deem “Bad” features as awful, yet still enjoyable productions. Lastly, we disregard painfully miserable features as “Abortions.” When devising this system we had no clue we'd ever encounter suffering worse than the latter- but two horrendous films took us by complete surprise... David Cronenberg's Crash (1996) and Jamie Blanks' Valentine (2001). If you consider watching subpar media to be tantamount to torture, then you should think of these two features as Fatal Footage! In this episode we discuss Crash and Valentine, as well as share some behind-the-scenes thoughts and address a few frequently asked questions. Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The TV show ALF was a cheerful little sitcom about a short, furry alien who secretly lived with the Tanner family. The troublesome, yet humorous, circumstances that arose every episode were usually resolved in full by the time the end credits rolled. In the final episode, however, the series took an unexpectedly dark turn. Our titular character was captured by the United States Government, presumably to be killed and dissected. One thing's for sure... the Tanners never saw their beloved alien friend again!TortureVision Rating: ABORTIONGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Official Movie PosterSpoiler Alert: Soylent Green is made of people! Soylent Industries is grinding up the corpses of our neighbors and loved ones and feeding them to us in green, food-cube form! Having said all that, the whole ordeal still seems more ethical and respectable than the shenanigans you hear about from Monsanto. Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Uncle Arthur is a sad little man who's mentally confused. He's simultaneously suffering through divorce and midlife crisis... or at least that's his pathetic excuse for why he made unwanted sexual advances toward his young niece, Mallory Keaton. Okay, so “Uncle Arthur” isn't actually related by blood to the Keaton family, but by accepting their friendly moniker of “uncle” he should probably find his prey (I mean “dates”) from some other household. TortureVision Rating: ABORTION Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The beaches of Los Angeles might look appealing in the sunlight, but after sunset they contain more rapists than sand-grains! These sexual deviants are so horny, they'll attack any female within sight... even if she's part fish! Thankfully, famed lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a freelance detective, solving crimes in the late-night hours, thus safeguarding the beaches for us all (normal or otherwise).TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

In a world where no one has any concept of “the rapture”, those left behind in its wake are completely dumbfounded when much of the world's population simply disappears. Kirk Cameron plays the part of Buck Williams, a perfectly nice and friendly guy who fails to get raptured. Buck quickly accompanies a good-natured pilot and a neighborly priest, also characters shunned by the Lord. Just how strict were God's requirements to get into Heaven, anyway? Together, these three charming companions strive to live a proper Christian lifestyle while simultaneously defeating the newly risen Anti-Christ.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

When a rural town is overtaken by tiny mutant slugs, both the Sheriff and the Mayor refuse to acknowledge their existence... despite the influx of numerous strange and unexplained deaths. Only Mike Brady, a local health inspector, and Don Palmer, a local sanitation worker, are willing to face the mutant menace head-on. One can only wonder, in the sad aftermath of this film, how much better things would have been if some proper authorities had taken charge instead.TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

A TortureVision Holiday Special:We decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by watching Jennifer Aniston's career-defining achievement, the 1993 horror movie masterpiece, Leprechaun. Joining us on this momentous podcast is a very special guest, the world-famous Indian mime, "Adi"! (Please excuse our appalling lack of geographical knowledge. At one point we stupidly mistake Ireland for Scotland, which are of course two completely different locations.)TortureVision Rating: BADGood features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!