2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

Back when we were young kids, mom would always warn us not to touch sharp or dangerous objects. Of course, we would ignore her, get hurt and then cry until she gave us a lollipop to make it all feel better. Now that we're adults, it's clear that we haven't learned anything at all. We still ignore mother's stern warnings and can't stop ourselves from playing with sharp, shiny objects in the kitchen. It's a good thing there's a hospital not too far away.

Everyone has bad breath once in a while. We've all had woken up in the morning and had our breath smell like ass...maybe you had too much garlic at lunch...or maybe you just smoke cigarettes. But when you have to drive down the freeway in the middle of winter with the car window wide open and your head hanging out like a dog because the person next to you has insane halitosis...that's just ridiculous.

Leave it to Hallmark to make sure that you always have a reason to buy cards and gifts in any month of the year, for almost anyone you know, for almost any reason at all. When "Bosses Day" comes around, make sure you run out and get a gift for someone who makes eight times as much money as you do...and who you probably don't like anyway.

God loves Lesbians, but he doesn't like rock music. In fact, simply listening to rock music has been proven to make people display homosexual tendencies. Not to worry... we'll take you through the official list of bands whose music you should immediately go out and buy so that you can stop other people from listening to them and having them become homosexuals, too.

It's time for another relaxing evening in front of the TV. Well...that is until "Something About Miriam" comes on. It's kind of like "The Bachelorette"....except for the special surprise that Miram has in store for the unknowing bachelors. As usual, Roxanne has an opinion.

With the holiday season upon us, you may be wrapped up in trying to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list. This year, instead of getting a gift card for the local pharmacy for the whore on your list to help her clear up her latest infection, why not let us help you instead. We'll help you pick out the perfect gift for everyone on your list...no matter if they've been naughty or nice this year.

Now that the market is flooded with relatively low-priced GPS navigational systems, there is no excuse for anyone to get lost while driving ever again. But, there is one important thing missing. It's the attitude you get from your navigator when you make a wrong turn or head the wrong way. If someone can create a downloadable set of new voices with some attitude and personality for the GPS, I'm ready to download it from i-Tunes right now.

Freedoms of being an American: When you turn 16 you are allowed to drive. At 18 you are allowed to vote. Turn 21 and you can drink alcohol (legally). We have the freedom of the press, freedom to elect an idiot as president and the freedom of religion. But, now the government is trying to take away the basic freedom to masturbate. We call "bullshit".

So you have your wife, two dogs and house. What else could you possibly need? Hmmm. Oh yeah, the 2.5 kids to make the perfect family. So, now Lesbians can go to the sperm bank and make a withdrawal or they can adopt to make their family complete. Just add kids and stir like crazy for instant family madness.

When one of the dogs jumps up off a chair like a red-hot poker has been shoved up his ass, it can mean only one thing. It must be time to wash the dirty dogs. It's almost as traumatic for the humans as it is for the dogs.

You're all tucked in and ready for a good night's sleep, when suddenly...you realize you're not alone. A colony of bed bugs has invaded you're mattress and they don't have plans to leave any time soon. You'll have to burn the house down to get rid of those disgusting, free-loading, good for nothing bastards.

It may only be November 11, but if your holiday shopping is not done by next weekend, you are in big touble. There will be no more messing around, no more waiting to the last minute and no more excuses. You've had 10 months already to get it done. That's it.

Crazy has it's own special way of reaching out to let you know it's there. It's more than just a look or a feeling...it's something far deeper and more insidious that grips you and pulls you in. It's a good thing Virginia's in a relationship, because even on TV, she can still find "crazy" without even trying. Danger lurks everywhere.

If a big motorhome comes driving up to your house one day, don't get too excited. Run and close all the windows, draw all the curtains and lock the doors. It might not be that you're a winner in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. You might just be the next contestant on the Suzanne Westenhoefer reality series, "How the Fcuk Don't You Know?!"

Believe it or not, today's seniors may be having more sex than you. That's not a bad thing, either. For us it means we have another option for making money in our retirement. We can open up a sex toy shop right next to the senior community and make lots of money. When the nursing home is rockin'.....don't come a knockin'.

We trek off to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate Beth's birthday and enjoy a weekend of offensive t-shirts, karaoke and pawn shops. As they say in Vegas, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". But, even with that...sometimes you still want the people to just leave and go home.

Anyone who tells you that running is fun and that they get a "runner's high" when they run long distances, is just full of shit. You have permission to tell them so...from someone who knows.

It's not exactly penis envy...it's more like penis curiosity. If you could take a pill that gave you a penis of your very own for just one day, you need to make sure you get your money's worth out of it. Roxanne's niece, Ashley, joins us for this important topic. We definitely needed the straight girl perspective on this one.

If men had to get the equivalent of a mammogram on their penis once a year, you can be sure that there would all of a sudden be incredible advances in technology. Instead of having your organ squished and squeezed, and flattened out across a set of cold plates the length of the room, men would invent a soft, mouth-shaped cup that would gently grip their penis and move rhythmically back and forth to scan for any abnormalities. Every machine would come equipped with a soft towel for "cleaning up" afterwards. Men would be lining up around the block for their exams.

Lots of different cities and states have a unique claim to fame. In California, the San Fernando Valley is considered the Porn Capital of the World due to the number of studios and production houses cranking out skin flicks. Next time you visit this great state, you can head down to Disneyland to see Pocahontas and then travel to the Valley to see Poke-A-Hot-Ass....all in the same day.