2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

The metamorphasis is complete. It took five long years. You started out as a card-carrying, black jeans wearing, country dancing Lesbian...and now you have become a baby bag carrying, play date organizing, suburban mini-van driving, Mommy. Almost all your freinds are straight moms, and you enjoy going to Mom's Night Out events. At least you still own a pair of black jeans.

Donating your organs after you die can be one of the last altruistic you perform as a human being. Since you won't be using it anyway, why not leave your penis to some person that really needs it and can get a lot of good use out of it. While we're at it, I'd like to donate my period to someone that can use that, too. I'll also throw in a lifetime supplies of menstrual supplies at no cost to the lucky recipient.

Fat pigs roasting in the sand...the sound of fat sizzling and cooking on the beach...the scent of coconut (suntan lotion) wafting through the air...Hawaiian shirts that looked good when you bought them, but that you'll never wear again... Is it a luau? Nope, its just tourists from the mainland on the beach getting sunburned in Hawaii. Aloha.

Some foods give you a clue that they are not good to eat. Sour Cream tells you exactly what you're getting when you look at the name. How can that be good? Now, Homo Milk, on the other hand....how can that be bad?

Not every Lesbian conforms to the usual stereotypes. Some Lesbians don't actually play softball, they don't watch football and they're not turned on by other Lesbians with sports injuries. Instead, they carry the gene for hoarding animals they find on the street. If the animal has injuries or requires extensive vet bills, all the better.

Here we go again. A small, but vocal minority pushes to repeal the hard-won rights that LGBT people have recently gained in the South. If this keeps up, it's going to be a very long, very hot summer with Roxanne pissed off and angry again every single day. Please....don't let this happen.

Yes, it's true. The world really is conspiring against you to thwart all your efforts to get simple things done. Roadblocks are being intentionally put in your path to try and deter you from your mission. Now that you know that, there's only one thing to do. Take the advice of a not-so-famous three-year old and, "Try, try again, Mommy".

It happens at the most inconvenient time. It's never when you expect it. It hangs around endlessly and it takes longer to leave than you planned for. There's never a good way to get rid of it and it never gets a clue. It's not actually herpes, it's just the lonely neighbor renting the guesthouse in the backyard.

In the event of a global nuclear war the only surviving life will be cockroaches and rats. Of course, there's no need to wait until Armageddon strikes. Rats and roaches are living in every house in America. They're sleeping right next to you, walking freely around your house, eating your food, and having more sex and making more babies than you are.

This week's forecast includes heavy rains and a high chance of flooding. Expect huge mudslides and big messes to clean up. Your best chance of success this week relies on lots of blue tarps, large trash bags, gallons of cleaning fluid and rubber gloves. It's time for potty training.

It takes 10 muscles to smile and 6 muscles to frown. Either way sounds like a lot of work. Why not just go with Resting Bitch Face. That takes no muscles at all and is simply the look on some people's faces. It's not only true...there is science behind it to prove it. Upload your face.

Once upon a time there was a little massage parlor close the edge of town, all the way at the end of an isolated strip mall. All the boys and girls who went there there had a magical experience and walked away happily ever after. The End.

Throwing kids birthday parties should be an Olympic sport. You need some form of super talent to come up with the party of the year that every Mom will be talking about and trying to beat. This year, just rent a bunch of zoo animals and let the tigers eat any kids' mothers that can't find anything other than birthday parties to talk about when you see them. You win.

The grass is always greener across the street, or at least at the porn house that sells for more money than the house you just sold. The extra sheen that glistened on the walls and the unusually crunchy carpeting apparently appeaed to a lot of people with good taste. Throw in the 70's style painting in the bathroom with a lady taking off her clothes and you've just pushed the selling price to one million.

Mixing is up a bit and trying new things can help keep a relationship interesting. If you're going to bring latex body paint home from the store, however, make sure you do a little trim before you put it on. Nobody really wants to see your pubes sticking out of a sexy layer of body paint.

It doesn't have to be Halloween for you to be the scary dyke in the neighborhood. All you need is your big stupid dog, a pair of jeans, some old sneakers and a sweatshirt. The straight ladies will be calling their husbands off the couch to come outside to protect them. It's that easy.

Haven't had any in a while and getting tired of doing it by yourself? Now all you have to do is to see the gynecologist and get a mammogram in the same week. That's enough penetration for entire month. Done.

Any mom can be a den mother for a troop of cub scouts. All it takes is a blue, button down shirt and a yellow bandana around your neck. It takes a special kind of mom to take her little scout camping out in the middle of nowhere, to sleep on the ground with bugs, to give up her Starbucks coffee for a weekend, and to learn how to play guitar so that she can sing along to "Jingle Bells" with her son at Christmas time.

It's not that Lesbians don't like straight people, and it's not like we don't want to hang out with them. It's just hard to get it out of your head that heterosexuality might be contagious.

Family-friendly used to mean that Homos were welcome. Now it means you can bring your 3-year old son and let him run around the restaurant to his heart's content and nobody will bat an eye. It also means that the drug addict prostitute taking a bird bath in the restroom is also welcome. After all, she's somebody's family, too.