2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

It's not hard to pick up Lesbians once you know the secret. All you need is a cute puppy or a minor sports injury. It doesn't even have to be a real injury. Simply go out with a small cast or a sprained limb wrapped in some gauze, add some crutches for effect, and you're guaranteed to meet the girl of your dreams.

Global warming is a serious issue that will have long-lasting effects on our planet and impact not only our lives, but the lives of our children and grandchildren as well. But, if reducing our carbon footprint means having to ride in crowded buses and trains with sweaty strangers that stink, then it's worth burning fossil fuels for hours a day jammed on the freeway heading back and forth to work alone in your car with the air conditioning cranked all the way up.

As you search for the perfect wife, make sure you keep in mind all the good qualities that make for a long, loving and happy relationship. Try to find someone who is trustworthy, loyal, considerate, generous and fun to be around. Most importantly, make sure she knows how to fix the computers and take care of all the other electronic gadgets in the house.

There's a reason why restaurants have signs in their restrooms that insist employees wash their hands before returning to work. It's so that they don't stick their nasty fingers up their asses and then stir your latte with that same finger. If it wasn't a problem....they wouldn't need the signs.

In an ongoing effort for companies to save money and cut back on expenses, live operators are being replaced by automated phone systems. As long as they're going down that path, it's comforting to know that they've put a lot of time and effort into making those automated systems as exasperating and annoying as talking to a real live customer service agent.

It's a lot of power to wield to be the proud owner of a Va Jay Jay. You have the power to make grown men stop in their tracks cold, to start blathering like idiots, to render them unable to think with anything except the smaller version of themselves between their legs, and to make them do things they might regret for the rest of their lives. What a bitch when they find out you're a big 'ol Homo.

Just because you're a Lesbian it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't like penises. Lots of Lesbians enjoy toys and strap-ons shaped like a phallus. It's just that most of them don't want to have one with a man attached to the other side touching them.

There are some things you never want to hear come out of your mother or grandmother's mouths. Some of those things might be, "Is that the sex toy shop you go to?", "Do you use the super extra-wide tampons?" and "F@#K you LA". You might just get lucky and actually hear all those things in one single week. Time to got to Vegas.

The $80 you just spent for lunch at a trendy new West Hollywood restaurant won't be near enough to make up for the amount of business they'll now lose by having the Lesbian Beverly Hillbillies show up during prime time. The restaurant just fell off Paris Hilton's "to do" list for this week.

Since the sanctity of marriage is so important, it's time for straight couples to take some responsibility in this area. From now on, every time a straight couple gets divorced, 10 Gay couples will be allowed to get married. If one commits adultery, that means 20 Gay couples can get married. And, for each politician that has an affair, that automatically gives 100 Gay couples the opportunity to get married.

Let's face it...you want your house to look good for the holidays, but if you do it yourself it will be the home decorating equivalent of "Dyke in a dress". Fortunately for you there's still plenty of time to hire a couple of Gay men to get it done right. Not only will your house make it on to the cover of "House Beautiful", but you won't have to worry about taking down the decorations after the holiday either.

Straight people are looking at the issue of Gay marriage all wrong. The money spent on Gay weddings, including the wedding planners, the party decorations, the tux and gown rentals, flowers, cakes and honeymoons alone are enough to bring this country out of the worst recession we've had in more than 50 years. Throw in the amount of money that will also be made on divorces, and the government will in the black in no time.

After you've tried everything possible with western medicine, it's time to give some alternative techniques a try. Instead of spending tons of money on an acupuncturist, why not just grab a friend and do it yourself? Download a license from the internet, pick out some needles from your mom's sewing kit, get a 9-volt battery from the junk drawer, a crappy CD player and a nice heat lamp at Homo Depot. You're all set.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Even if it's a high heel shoe chair with leopard print upholstery, there is someone out there who simply must have it for their home. It doesn't matter if the thing has been on the showroom floor for the last five years, if it's been faded by the sun by sitting out on display or if it smells like piss because a dog peed on it when it went by on a walk.

Having any kind of surgical procedure is serious business. It's not the time for your doctor to be holding a knife cutting you open and talking about what he watched on TV last night, whether or not Michael Jackson was wearing wigs or how hot it's going to be this weekend. The only thing worse would be if he got on Twitter and started giving the play by play.

The statistics show that 9 out of every 10 people are straight, which makes it likely that every one of knows at least one person in our lives that is straight. It's time for all of us to start accepting their cultural differences, to try to understand their lifestyle and to stop referring to their life-partners as their "special friend" at family gatherings. Most importantly, let's stop embarrassing them by asking what it is that straight people do in bed.

Nothing says, "I love you" like shopping generic. Next time you hit the grocery store don't forget to pick up the generic six-pack of beer in the white can with nothing, but the word "beer" on it, the generic cigarettes and the generic tampons. She couldn't love you more, unless you also brought home the generic green beans.

A major recession across the country, 11% unemployment in California, teachers getting laid off because of budget cuts and more people struggling to make ends meet since the Great Depression.... Still, the City of Los Angeles can somehow find $2 million dollars to throw a parade to celebrate a basketball team. Of course if the Laker Girls showed up in thongs, dancing on fire engines with stripper poles attached to them none of us would have complained no matter what they paid.

Nothing says sexy like a set of mismatched bra and panties, unless that same sexy set has a hole the size of a quarter in it. Instead of sitting there laughing and shaming your partner, why not turn it into a sexy shopping date where you pick out a few new sets of lingerie together? Or, you can just shame her even more by tossing her in the car, dropping her off at the store and making her buy it herself.

There comes a time in every relationship when the best thing to do to maintain harmony is to suck it up and do something you don't like just because your partner enjoys it. At times like that all you can do is take some extra medication, grab a huge cup of coffee, break out an extra six-pack, and man up...even if it means going to the theater.