2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

Perhaps when parents give their children the talk about the "birds and the bees", they might add that the birds and the bees masturbate, too. That might be a way to prevent accidents, such as getting a fish stuck in your penis or having power tools inserted into your vagina. It might also help every straight women know what an orgasm feels like before they have to go and find their first Lesbian experience.

We've all heard about people that get fired from their jobs or suspended from school because they stay up all night playing games on their computer and can't go to work or school for days at a time. What we never considered was that Gramps would get his first computer and start staying up late at night playing poker with people he's never met and that call themselves by names he has never said out loud in his life.

No matter how hard we try to maintain a separation of church and state in this country, we will never be able to keep prayer out of our schools, public or private. On the day of the big exam students all over the school are reaching out and praying to any deity that will help them pass the test, even if they haven't opened a book all year.

Almost everyone has had a crazy ex, but not everyone has one that crosses the line into psycho ex. It's hard to figure out exactly where that line is, but comes somewhere after the point where they change their last name to yours after you break up, they start stalking you from three states away, and you need to take out a restraining order to protect your entire family, including your dog.

The rules of successful one night stands are: never sleep with your friends, never sleep with her twice, never take her home to your house so that she knows where you live, never spend the night, and never take off any jewelry that you want to see again. As Lesbians we are simply doomed to break every single one of these rules no matter how hard we try. The least you can do is to bring your own dental dams.

Why bother spending time and money trying to cure cancer or to stop the pandemic spread of AIDS? We've got lots more important things to do. There are dogs to clone and pets that we need to make glow in the dark. After all...we do have priorities.

Freedom of expression is something that as humans we should all be able to enjoy. Feel free to fly your freak flag wherever you go. When you finally go to get your eyebrows plucked, however, try to be polite and at least bring an extra vacuum cleaner bag for the cosmetician who has to clean up all your hair they pulled off.

After all these years we come to find out that there was one more missing tablet that Moses forget to take down the mountain when he brought down the ten commandments. That eleventh commandment has now been found. It says, "Thou shalt not pose half naked in sexy red panties for Hustler Magazine if you plan on keeping your Miss California crown."

There's a reason why the U.S. postal rates are going up in price. It now takes four postal employees, three hours, three post office locations and one self-service postage machine to mail one single package. The cost of the employees to handle all that time, effort and customer service is not nearly enough to cover the amount spent in postage to mail one simple package.

No matter where you shop, it's always appropriate to ask for the "Homo Discount" when you see a big ol' Muff Diver working behind the counter. If you don't succeed in getting a discount on your purchase, maybe you can at least get a date out of it.

If you're going to be kept up all night by noises outside your house, it may as well be the neighbors going at it like rabbits. At least that way you know someone is having a good time....even if it's not you.

As people become parents they are automatically endowed with a secret sixth sense. It's the ability to detect pornography going on anywhere within a 50 foot radius around their children. They don't need to see it, smell it, feel it or touch it. Somehow...they just know.

Who needs to use an e-vite when you can send a message to a friend telling them they now have the same STD as you...and then invite them to a party at the same time? Of course, you may not need to buy as many snacks or drinks for the party since you may not have too many guests.

When she tells you "I need space", what she really means is that she's really not that into you and that she intends on whoring around with anyone she can find. Of course, she won't actually break up with you, and you can plan on her living with you and sleeping in your bed for at least the next 12 months. That's just the mutant Lesbian gene at work.

Studies show that LGBT youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to commit suicide compared with straight youth. Sometimes life can be overwhelming and you may feel like you're all alone. When you start to feel like you're the only one, just count 20 people that you know and realize that at least 2 out of 20 are likely to be Gay or Lesbian. Since you're one of them...all you need to do now is figure out who is the other one. If you need more help, call the Trevor Helpline at 866-4 -U-TREVOR.

You can blame global warming or even changes in the eco-system due to the way we've mistreated our environment. In reality those things have nothing to do with the biblical plague of crickets that's now driving us crazy. The real cause is the fact that Gay people are now allowed to get married in several states in the U.S. Congratulations Iowa!

If it smells like fish...maybe it is. If it smells like fish, but it's your date...maybe you need to take her to the gynecologist before you take her out to dinner. More good advice such as this...when you download the whole show. You're welcome.

Can't get a date? Yes, you can. Mark April 15 on you calendar so that you can troll all the Starbucks in town for Same Sex Kiss Day. If you're just coming out of the closet...or even thinking about coming out...don't worry about how people will know if you're a Lesbian or not. You're probably the last one to know already.

Our future depends on a greener tomorrow and it's important for each of us to do whatever little bit we can to help preserve our beautiful planet. Of course, if the city you live in bans detergent that cleans properly because it has too many pollutants, then feel free to get in your big car, fill it up with leaded gasoline and travel to a store further away than usual so that you can burn more gas and send more emissions directly into the atmosphere.

Every LGBT person has a coming out story and every one is unique and beautiful in its own way. Some are sad, while others are heartwarming and full of joy. At the end of the day, there are not too many people who can say that their coming out story includes a discussion about whether or not their dad gives it to their mom in the butt.