2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

Getting a piece of dessert really shouldn't be so hard to do. If you have to run a marathon, knock people over and hunt it down like prey in a forest, you really are burning too many calories just to eat a piece of cake. After all, dessert really should put on more pounds than you take off trying to enjoy it.

It used to be that we lived in a nice quiet neighborhood, but now I realize that we actually live in a barnyard. The hens in the neighborhood walk around all day cackling and gossiping about everyone else's business in the neighborhood. Then there's the Lesbian pigs that live in the corner house where all the grass is dead and they think that dog poop makes good fertilizer to leave all over the lawn. Moo.

A message to Gill and Jane: I am extending a heartfelt apology for the evening you spent with Roxanne. I apologize for her unbridled vulgarity, her lack of compassion for other human beings, her outright sense of entitlement, and for embarrassing the United States of America and confirming every ugly American stereotype in existence. We sincerely hope that this doesn't affect the relationship between the United States and the wonderful and warm country of the UK.

Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to to get something you really want. Once you've set you sights on the goal, you just have to go for it. It doesn't matter if you have to pretend to like Axe Body Spray, you have to give not one, but two men boners, and you have to speak four languages. It's all worth it if you achieve your dream in the end.

It's a well know fact that Lesbians have to change out the carpeting in their homes twice as frequently as Gay men. All that carpet munching really takes a toll on things. The only thing that's changed is that the Lesbians just don't buy their carpeting at Home Depot anymore. Time to sell your stock.

Lez by honest...our pets bring an enormous amount of joy and happiness to our lives every day. We wouldn't be the people we are today without them. They not only enrich our lives, but they also enrich our vocabulary. Tonight for dinner we're having a big bowl of Bordatella with a side of Rabies. For dessert it's two scoops of Parvo with a Giardia sauce drizzled on top.

Lesbian fishing attire: Baseball hat - check. Thermal base layer under your matching t-shirt - check. Hooded sweatshirt to layer on top - check. Sporty, wraparound sunglasses - check. Stylish waterproof boots - check. Faded pair of comfortable blue jeans - check. Fishing pole with a pink wrapped grip and a matching pink reel - nope. That belongs to the straight chick on the boat.

Being a cougar is all fun and games until one day you wake up and realize that the 20 year difference between you and your partner is not so cute anymore now that you're 40. She definitely looked hot when you were 25 and she was 45. Now that you're 45 you finally wake up one day and are horrified to think....how did grandma all of a sudden get into bed with you?

Nothing spells H.O.T. like a smooth, dreamy waterbed from the 1970's, especially if it has automatic heat controls. Then you think about your parents banging away in their new sleep numbers automatically adjustable bed...and suddenly...it just doesn't seem as hot and sexy anymore.

It doesn't really matter if you did pick up the individually plastic wrapped roses at the local 7-11 and arranged them thoughtfully in a bouquet for your lady for Valentine's Day. Let her just believe that you could not stop thinking about how wonderful she is all day long and that you just wanted to sweep her off her feet and surprise her with the most magnificent bouquet of flowers ever. Why destroy the fantasy by admitting that you simply picked them up like a supermarket rag at the checkout counter on your way out of the store.

Next time you get one of those scam emails where you've won the lottery from some far off country you've never visited, or you have a long lost relative that left you millions of dollars in currency that you've never heard of before, think about doing the world a public service. Send an email back, without your bank account number of course, and keep them engaged in an endless series of correspondence until they simply give up. This way you can keep them busy and hopefully prevent one more gullible person in the world from giving up their entire life savings.

There's nothing wrong with having a little lasering done to clean up some straggler hairs that run down your leg and pop out when you're wearing that sexy bikini. Maybe you even want to clean up that treasure trail a bit before you hit the surf. Just make sure you use an experienced laser technician so that you don't have an industrial accident where the laser hits a lip by mistake. That could be a life-changing incident that happens in less than one second.

Countries are at war with each other, people are dying for no good reason, 50% of Americans are now obese, drug use is spiralling out of control, the worst recession this country has had since the Great Depression.... Doesn't God have enough to worry about without having to listen to you pray about making a touchdown? Just let God take a day off and enjoy the Super Bowl like everyone else.

Stupid should hurt. Seriously. Perhaps then people would think twice about being morons. Or, maybe Tylenol stock would simply go through the roof as people all over America stockpile as many bottles as they can. Maybe you want to use that insider tip to become the world's next millionaire. Buy low...sell high.

Becoming a vegan used to seem like so much work. Every meal has to be planned out down to the last detail, you have to shop for groceries on a more regular basis, you have to find exotic recipes to keep meals interesting and you have to interrogate every restaurant server about each dish on the menu just to make sure you can eat it. Nobody wanted to invite you over for dinner because you were such a pain in the ass. Now that we know about meat glue and pink slime...vegan doesn't sound like nearly as much trouble as it used to.

The neighborhood watch is a beautiful thing. Everybody knows about everybody's business, who's beating their wife, where the Lesbians in the neighborhood live, and whose wife is out slutting around. When it comes to stopping real crimes in the neighborhood, however, everyone always knows all the details only after the fact. Once the grow house has run through their series of plantings, supplied all the local dealers multiple times and then moves out...that's when suddenly everyone knows all about it.

Thanks to the advent of technology, driving in the car with children for hours on a long trip is a lost art. Gone are the days when the kids would sit in the back seat taunting each other incessantly, poking each other mercilessly and drooling on your sister as Dad threatened to pull the car over on the side of the road. Now the kids simply put on their headphones, turn on the iPod and watch a movie on the DVD player. Where did all the fun go? Slug Bug.

You're eco-sensitive about almost everything in your life. You drink out of a reusable plastic bottle, you recycle everything you can and you even have a composting bin in the backyard. Why not take it one step further and just not wear any underwear. That way you can reduce the amount of laundry you have to do and conserve water at the same time. Lesbians will still find you just as sexy as if you were wearing only a thong.

Going to the gynecologist is a clinical experience. There is nothing sexual about it in any way. Just because the doctor lubes you up, hunts around obsessively for your G-spot and leaves you all wet and messy on the table by yourself after they're done. Of course, that doesn't mean that you and your lady can't play "gynecologist" in the privacy of your own home. Especially if she's the Dildo Whisperer.

Monogamy is not a bad thing...unless you're having a long-term monogamous relationship with yourself. We're not just talking about a personal time-out, that you're just in between relationships, or even if you're waiting for the right time. It's when you're approaching 50 and have never had sex with anyone but yourself that it's time for a tall bottle of rum and $150. Don't forget the tip.