2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

There are two important rules that should be followed when using tools. The first is to always use the right tool for the job. The second is to always wear safety glasses. You never know when a little piece of plastic from the store's theft control security tag will pop up and hit you in the eye.

Taking a long trip to some place new always seems like a good idea at the time...until you start looking at the news. It's only then that you're confronted with the reality that other cities have bed bug infestations, serial killers and inhuman weather conditions. Perhaps it's best to simply stay at home for the holidays.

Going for a massage is the same as having sex with your partner. It's important to have a good line of communication going throughout the entire experience where you talk to each other about what feels good and what's too much. In either case there's a possibility that you could wind up with a hand up your ass going for a deep tissue massage if you just lay there quietly like a dead fish not saying anything.

There are some things that guys will never ever have to worry about. They never have to think about wearing white pants in case they get their period early. They never have to worry about the weight of their suitcase going over the weight limit at the airport because they had to pack extra tampons and pads, and they never have to worry about the outline of a super-sized tampon getting rubbed into the back pocket of their jeans.

Landmines used to be the affectionate name to call piles of dog crap in the backyard that needed to be cleaned up before the gardeners showed up. Then came Jersey Shore, which taught us that landmines were simply ugly chicks to avoid in a bar. Now we're back to land mines really being a danger for the gardeners, except this time a gardener really did get blown up.

The holidays are a time for joy and good tidings. It's the time of year to see your good friends, spread some holiday cheer and appreciate all that is good in your life. It's also the time of year to forge your wife's name on Christmas cards, to lie about what's in the packages you're sending through the mail at the Post Office, and the time of year that you hope the sexy UPS girl shows up at your door with boxes full of fun gifts for you.

Telling people that it's unhealthy to smoke, showing them ads of smokers talking through a hole in their neck or putting scary warning labels on packs of cigarettes doesn't seem to make a discernible difference in anyone's willingness to light up on a regular basis. The only way to really get people to stop smoking is to raise the price to $50 per pack and to have a case of dynamite explode in their ass every time they light up.

It's hard work keeping the country safe from evil. That's why we all have to step up and do our parts if we're going to succeed. If that means going through a full body scanner at the airport, showing up in a Speedo with a nut hanging out, or letting Roxanne's mom listen to this show...we just have to suck it up and do what we have to do.

Sometimes being a good partner simply means putting your own needs aside while you hold your partner's hand to help them through a scary or tough part of their life. It can be a gesture so simple as sitting calmly beside them talking about how hot Rhianna and Beyonce are while your partner is skidding down a treacherous snowy mountain about to careen off a cliff to her death. You can at least leave her with happy thoughts as she goes.

There's nothing wrong with looking in the local sex rag for some companionship and love for an evening. Just be sure to read the description carefully. When Sexy Natasha calls herself 36-24-36 and adds and extra 9" at the end...she may be bringing some extra parts that you were not expecting. At that point you can just roll up the newspaper and stuff it in your shoes and jacket to stay warm all by yourself instead.

Fifteen feet of fresh snow, freezing temperatures and gale force winds...dressed only in a short sleeved t-shirt, sneakers and a fleece. The unrelenting winter weather is no match for four Lesbians on vacation up in the mountains armed only with an economy rental car, a refrigerator full of beer and a snowblower from before World War II. We can win this even if we have to stay through Thanksgiving deep frying a turkey out in a blizzard.

It's true...bush is back. Even if you're not interested in growing a bush for yourself, there is still something you can do to help those in need. For all those ladies that lasered their bushes off back in the nineties and now can't grow a pube if they wanted to, you can grow your own pubic hair and donate it to Locks of Love for pubes. Feel good while helping others to feel good, too.

It's time to get schooled. Here's your list of true or false questions: 1. All Lesbians drive trucks. 2. All Lesbians have short hair 3. All Lesbians are sporty. 4. All Lesbians are vegetarians. 5. Lesbians like to drive motorcycles. 6. All Lesbians sleep with each other. How are you doing so far? Remember...70% is considered passing.

Recent studies show that among eighteen to twenty-four year olds, 1 in 10 have had sex with partners of each sex. While young people are doubling their pleasure and increasing the number of sex partners they're having, they're also increasing their risk of STD's. The next time your friend brags about how many girls she has had sex with, ask her how many times she's had crabs. Maybe she also has stock in the company that makes RID.

Imagine a world where all the walls are tan and all the carpets are gray. Imagine a world where people actually think that plaid matches nicely with polka dots, especially when it's purple. And, imagine a world where all haircuts look like the Super Cuts special of the week. What you're imagining right now is a world without Gay men.

If you're going to run for public office in America, you would think that a basic pre-requisite would be to have read the Constitution of the United States of America at least once. It's only a fundamental document that describes the role of government in the 50 states. If they did, they would know about a basic human right that all citizens are born with under the Constitution...the inalienable right to masturbate.

Eight seconds is all it takes to win a bull riding contest. Eight seconds is also how long it takes for you to notice the Tecate Girls at Fanzone, for you to pull out your camera to get ready to take the picture of your life, and then for your wife to walk in front of you so that you miss the shot entirely.

Some people might say it takes balls to just waltz right in and crash a party that you haven't been invited to. If it's a party you haven't been invited to and the party is at the White House and it's an inaugural dinner for the new president of the United States it takes a hell of a lot more than balls. For that it takes an Adam's apple.

Everyday life can be very stressful all by itself. Just getting through a day can wear you down and make you crazy. Load on top of that a visit from your crazy Dad that you're trying to avoid and you've got a full on nervous breakdown waiting to happen. At that point there's only one thing that's going to work...sex and a valium.

Just because you're watching a long movie and you've had a large soda at the beginning of the show, does not mean the answer is to wear adult diapers to the theater so that you don't have to get up to pee in the middle. The answer is also not to run into the bathroom, hover over the toilet like a UFO and then run out as fast as you can leaving sprinkles all over the seat. Piss in a bottle like everyone else and just leave it in the movie theater for someone else to clean up.