2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

First dates are about getting to know another person. There's no commitment, no obligation and no life-changing decisions that need to be made. It's all about small talk, feeling each other out and figuring out if it's worth having a second date. If that first date turns into more than that, however, it's probably not a good idea to burst out laughing the first time you see his penis.

Spring cleaning is not just for Spring time anymore. When that urge to declutter comes over you just start bagging up your crap and clean out those closets. Then have yourself a big ol' yard sale and make a little extra cash at the same time. You'll have that satisfied feeling of accomplishment...until it dawns on you that you've just participated in enabling all the hoarders in your neighborhood. Now they just moved all your trash over to their house.

With the country on the brink of a major depression, if everyone would just get out and blow their entire life savings on frivolous crap we would be able to turn the economy back around in no time. Times like this can be challenging and everyone might be feeling a bit of extra stress and tension, so why not take care of both problems at once? Go out and spend a ton of cash on a buttload of sex toys, porn and lube. That way you can release a little stress while helping the economy all at the same time.

The Lesbian equivalent of "man cave": the largest room in the house complete with a pool table, a foosball table, skee-ball, a basketball hoop, a 72" wide screen TV for watching football, a beer cooler, 3 neon beer signs and pinup posters of naked women. Nothing could be more perfect...unless the Lesbian Cave came complete with a beer delivery three times a week.

There's a reason why wedding seating arrangements are so important, and it's not about putting interesting, fun people together. It's more about separating people that can't stand to be around each other or people that will cause drama when they are together. You have to be sure to separate the groom's former ex, who is also his aunt's ex together at the same table with the ex's current husband and her girlfriend on the side. It gets complicated.

We have even more proof not only that people in LA don't cook at all, but also that Lesbians will actually come out of the house and travel for miles to go out for a classy meal at the travelling food trucks. Next time the roving food trucks show up in your neighborhood, cancel your subscription to Match.com becauseyou'll be sure to find a date at the food truck Dyke-A-Palooza. Don't look for the Gay men...they'll be dining at a real restaurant.

Before one can come out as a Lesbian, there are certain basic skills that every Lesbian needs to know. The proper identification and use of duct tape is one of those such skills. No self-respecting Lesbian can come out of the closet without knowing the difference between electrical tape and duct tape, and also how to properly apply it to nipples while marching in Gay Pride parades. Removing duct tape from nipples without tearing off an areola is a much more advanced skill.

One of the wedding vows that most people completely skip over about is the one where the minister tells you that you've been entrusted with a vagina, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for all the days of your life. That means it's your responsibility to always make sure it's in good working condition, that it's not sagging and that nobody leaves a tampon up there and forgets to take it out. It's a lot of responsibility.

Clipping coupons can be a healthy way to trim your grocery bill and to save a little money during tough times. Nobody minds waiting a few extra minutes at the checkout stand while grandma goes through her purse to find the Jello coupon that saves her 10 cents on a 6-pack of lime flavor. It only becomes a problem when people start clipping coupons as if it's an extreme sport and then show up at your local grocery store with their coupon encyclopedia filled with 10,000 coupons for 75 cases of yellow mustard and then jump in line in front of you.

If necessity is the mother of invention, then why hasn't someone invented a weapon that can kill mosquitos in the middle of the night as they buzz by your ears, bite you everywhere they can find an exposed piece of skin and keep you up to all hours of the morning annoying the crap out of you? I'm not asking for much. Maybe just a bedside flame thrower.

We put a lot of trust into our doctors when we go in to have some sort of procedure done in the hospital. Once you're asleep on the table with a crowd of people around, wearing only a hospital gown with a slit all the way up your back, anything can happen. Before the anesthesia kicks in, check around for anything suspicious looking, such as anal lube, a six-pack of condoms or instructions about how to upload videos to YouPorn.

Just because more states are starting to allow Gay marriage, it doesn't mean you should just rush right into things. There are more things to consider than just whether or not your new spouse will love you 'til death do us part. Now instead of just tossing your crap out on the front lawn, you have to worry about your new spouse getting mad and chopping off your jewels. Better start sleeping with a steel chastity belt...and make sure it's locked tight.

It used to be that a slutty young gold digger could just give an old man a good roll in the hay, he would have a heart attack and die immediately after signing away his will to the new 20 year old he just stared banging. Now with Viagra, those old bastards can hang on forever. Now you really have to think about whether or not it's worth it to marry Hugh Hefner just to be come the heir to the Playboy fortune.

What's not to like? You get three square (but very salty) meals a day, an enema every other day and someone to sponge bathe your genitals every couple of days. So what if people keep you up with their howling and screaming all night long, the lady next door comes in to your room to tell your visitors that you've been dead for two years or that the cleaning lady withholds toilet paper when you have to take a crap? You're living it up at the lovely Country Villa Convalescent Hospital.

Apparently there is a market for previously worn underwear that gets sold out of vending machines. Some people find it erotic and sexy. Some people also find Lesbians to be be hot and sexy. Therefore, previously worn Lesbian underwear must be sexy. Now you have a way to get rid of your old granny underpants with period stains and other discolorations while making some extra cash at the same time. It also saves you a trip to the Goodwill.

As Lesbians, we don't always have time to look up all our Lesbian culture questions on the Internet. We need those answers now. For example, if you're a vegan and you meet the woman of your dreams at a bar late one night, how will you know whether or not it's ok for you to go down on her? After all, humans are meat, right? We're going to need someone to create an app for this.

There's a reason why people in LA always travel by car everywhere they go and won't even walk to the convenience store on the corner. The car forms a protective barrier to keep you safe from the homeless people and other nuts walking around in Ugg boots in the middle of summer. It's not that being homeless is a problem, it's just that someone must be absolutely out of their mind if they're still wearing Ugg boots years after Paris Hilton gave them up.

Lesbians get a bad rap. Everyone thinks it's always the Lesbians that are out recruiting unknowing straight girls to join the ranks of Sisterhood. Finally, the truth can be told. After years of trepidation and doubt, it's finally come out that in reality it's the drunk straight girls that are out recruiting new Lesbians. At least that explains where all the toasters went.

Congratulations to NY for legalizing Gay marriage! As a public service to help Lesbians across the Empire State, U-Hauls across New York will be shutting down for the next three months. They like to call it a "cooling down" period, but we like to call it insurance for making sure the vagina you touched for the first time last night doesn't become your new wife by next week.

Roaches all over the floor, thick black hair in the bathtub, a half inch of dirt in the sink and bedbug stains on the mattress. Despite the fact that most people gave the hotel a thumbs down and would not stay there, still there are at least 21% of people that gave it a thumbs up. Those are the 21% of people I never want to meet in my life.