Paging Dr. Nerdlove

Doctor's Note: There's a recurring audio issue with this week's episode that I wasn't able to fully eliminate. I've edited around it as best as I could but it'll crop up a couple times. Sorry about that. The idea that women like “bad boys” or “assholes”, and that there a bright line between guys who get dates — the assholes — and guys who don’t — the “nice guys” gets kicked around in dating circles as though it were gospel truth.  It’s one that feels true, especially if you’re someone who thinks they fall into the nice guy side of the equation. But the reality is very different. The issue isn’t that bad boys are desirable and nice guys are unattractive because science or evolutionary psychology or anything else. It’s far simpler than that. It’s not about what those supposed ‘bad boys’ do. It’s about what the nice guys… don’t. Show Highlights: Why nice guys buy into the myth of the bad boy How nice guys hinder their own success The simple, easy way to transform an average joe into a hot man about town How you

When it comes to dating, there is one common issue that men have that will kill any chance you have to build attraction or a relationship: neediness. Neediness and needy behavior is the Anti-Sex equation. No matter what else you have going for you in your life — you could travel the world, you could be world famous, you could be a millionaire with a mansion and a yacht — neediness will ultimately make people nope the hell out of your life, whether you’re in a relationship, or just trying to start one. Neediness drives people away because it's that’s a sign that someone's just not ready for a relationship. But overcoming neediness isn't about following rules like "only text X number of times" or "only see her Y times per week"... it's about addressing the source of needy behavior. Show Highlights: Why women are turned off by needy behavior How neediness is a sign of other dating deal-breakers Why men with low self-esteem have a harder time finding lasting relationships How fear causes needy behavior Why most

A lot of men don’t know how to approach women in groups — whether they’re with other women or a mixed group of men, women and more. As a result, they tend to focus on that one person… and end up coming across like a hyena trying to separate a gazelle from the herd. Fortunately, it’s actually very easy to join in a groups, in a way that not only encourage them to accept you, but help you make a powerful connection almost immediately.  You just have to understand how to manage group dynamics. Show Highlights: What men get wrong about approaching groups of women The common mistake that gets you rejected by groups How men send the wrong signal when approaching women Why talking to one person in the group is a mistake Understand the power of the 3:2 ratio ...and so much more Related Links: Reading the Room (via Seanan McGuire) The No-Fear Guide To Navigating Parties Like A Pro  5 Different Ways To Boost Your Charisma, Instantly  Popularity 101  The Art of Social Calibration  5 Secrets To Make People Like You D

Recently Henry Cavill gave his thoughts about flirting in a post #MeToo era during an interview with GQ Australia, where he claimed to be afraid that flirting with someone might lead to his being dragged through hell because… reasons. And while he has since apologized for his insensitive remarks, they struck a chord with many people: where do you find the line between welcome flirting and sexual harassment? Does it come down to “flirting is when women like you and harassment is when they don’t"? What are the rules that define what's flirting and what isn't? Show Highlights: Why do some men get away with flirting with women when other men get called out for it? Why "Just Be Attractive" gets it wrong The crucial details that make the difference between welcome flirting and unwelcome invasions of space How to tell when someone wants you to flirt with them Why nobody is harassing people by accident ...and so much more Related Links: How To Not Be The Office Creeper  Understanding The Dangers of Dating   What I

The state of sexual education in America is appalling. If schools aren't required by law to only teach abstinence-only education, then at most we get a glorified plumbing lesson instead of what we really need to know. As a result: more and more people are turning to porn for lessons in sex and sexuality.  But what if there's a better way? If the educational system fails us - either through ignorance or design - can we take sex-ed to the people? Can we disrupt sex education and give people access to the information they need via their smartphones? This week, I talk with Juicebox app developer Brianna Rader about relationship coaching, what we get wrong about sex ed, the trouble with porn... and also what it's like to be condemned personally by the state of Tennessee.  And be sure to listen until the end; there's an exclusive offer for my fans. Show Highlights: Why schools are falling behind when it comes to teaching us about sex How porn is filling in the gaps... and why that's a problem Why we have such a ha

(Content Warning: Sexual Assault) On June 26th, Expendables and Brooklyn 99 star Terry Crews testified before Congress in support of the Sexual Assault Survivor’s Bill of Rights. As part of his advocacy for survivors of rape and sexual assault, Crews talked about his own experience of having been the victim of sexual violence. In doing so he challenged the narrative of what it means to be the survivor of sexual assault... and showed us how we fail male victims of sexual violence. Show Highlights: Why few men ever speak up about having been sexually assaulted How we teach men to not trust other men How we treat male sexual assault as a joke Why the narrative of who can be a victim harms survivors of sexual assault Why rape and sexual assault isn't about sex and so much more. Related Links: Invisible Victims: Men In Abusive Relationships Sexual Harassment and the Toxic Culture of Comics Jonathan Martin and the Quiet Strength of Manhood When Masculinity Fails Men  Understanding Toxic Masculinity 

Lots of guys get anxious about approaching women that they're attracted to. But what if there were a way to change that. Ever wished you were one of those men who had women coming up to them? You can be... if you understand why women are willing to approach some men and not others. If you understand the secrets to why women do and don't make the first move, you can learn to be the guy that women notice... and they'll be eager to introduce themselves to you. Show Highlights: Why women don't make the first move... and what you can do about it How most men make it impossible for women to approach them What you can do to make sure you stand out and be the man that women want to approach The secret signal that you can use to get women to come talk to you The number one mistake men make that makes women decide to talk to someone else ... and so much more. Related Links: Fix Your Flirting The Subtle Things Men Do That Make Them More Attractive Discover Your Style 5 Ways To Look Better (Without Going Broke) 5 Sign

How often has this happened to you: you've got a woman's number, but you never seem to be able to actually get a date. You may be doing great at first, but then you notice that it’s taking longer and longer for her to reply and those replies are getting shorter and shorter until you get... nothing. And now you're left wondering just what happened... and why it keeps happening to you. Texting may have been a godsend to shy, awkward guys who want to get dates, but you still have to know how to do it right. You may be used to talking with your thumbs like God intended, but that doesn’t mean that your texting game is all it should be. In fact, if you're regularly getting radio silence or have a hard time turning numbers into dates, then you're probably making one of these common texting mistakes. Show Highlights: How texting changed the dating game... and how it made things harder Why so many men get ghosted after they get her number The mistake men make when trying to build attraction over text How even the mos

Men on the whole, and white, heterosexual men in particular, tend to have fewer friends than women and the friendships they do have tend to be shallower and less fulfilling. It’s really not uncommon for guys to look up and realize just how few friends they have outside of family members and romantic relationships. And by then… it feels like it’s too late. After all, it's easy to make friends when you're in college. But how do you go about making friends when you're a grown man? Show Highlights: How men train themselves out of having close friends Why male friendships tend to be shallower than female friendships Why it's harder to make friends after college The Friendship Formula: what it takes to make close friends How to turn acquaintances into lifelong friendships ...and so much more Related Links: Men And the Epidemic of Loneliness Five Secrets To Make People Like You How To Make New Friends Building a Closer Friendship Between Men Finding Strength Through Vulnerability   Don’t forget to subscribe and

Men, especially heterosexual men, tend to have very few deep, emotional connections, and of the ones they do have, very few of them are with other men. And that’s actually a problem. Men are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness and isolation and it's literally killing us. But despite the damage that loneliness can cause, men have a hard time finding and fostering emotionally close and intimate relationships. Why are male friendships so shallow and transitory and what can we do to build the relationships we need?  Show Highlights: How loneliness is literally hurting men  Why men have a harder time building closer, stronger social ties than women How society inadvertently teaches men to avoid close friendships with other men Why toxic masculinity prevents men from from building the relationships we want How the ways men try to bond actually makes it harder to actually become close with their friends ... and so much more. Related Links Detoxifying Toxic Masculinity Why We All Feel So Lonely What Men Really

Everyone and their dog will tell you that confidence is sexy, it’s probably the oldest trope in dating advice besides “just be yourself”. And, in fairness… they’re right. Confidence is an important part of being attractive, and not having confidence is going to hold you back. Of course, nobody ever tells you just how you’re supposed to get that confidence. It’s easy to talk about being confident when you already feel it. When you don’t… well, as far as dating advice goes, “just be more confident” is about as useful as telling someone “it’s easy to fly; all you have to do is throw yourself at the ground and miss!” But what makes it even harder to develop your self-confidence is that a lot of people don’t understand what confidence actually is. This week, it's time to break down what confidence is, what it isn't and 5 tips that you can use right now to unlock powerful, unshakable self-confidence.  Show Highlights:  The mistake that people make that makes it impossible to build their own self-confidence Why ev

What is it that makes one person creepy and another person attractive? Why do some men set off women's Spidey-sense while other men can do the exact same things and be perfectly fine?  Guys - especially ones who aren’t the most socially well-calibrated - worry a lot about being creepy by accident. They worry that being a creeper, even if it’s entirely unintentional - will start be the start of a long process that begins with being called creepy and eventually leads to their dying alone in a cave because they’ve been kicked out of all society, everywhere. But what is it that can cause even seemingly perfectly normal behavior to make people feel uncomfortable... and how can you avoid it? Show Highlights: Why being creepy isn't about who's hot and who's not How society makes it harder for women to trust their instincts The psychology behind why certain behaviors make women uncomfortable What behaviors trigger women's sense of danger and why The key to avoiding being a creeper ...and so much more. Related Links

Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it. Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex - especially how it affects men who aren’t having it. A lot of people - men and women both - feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all? It's time to talk about the shame, the

Over the last couple of weeks, it seems as though the world has been talking about incels - people who refer to themselves as being involuntarily celibate. But while we are all bringing attention to the existence of incels, but there aren't many resources for people who want to stop being involuntarily celibate. What is the real issue that drives otherwise good people to the incel community? How can someone who calls themselves involuntarily celibate break the cycle and escape the hate and misogyny that's inherent in the incel scene? Show Highlights: Why getting laid and sex workers aren't the solution to the problem with incels How incels doom themselves to failure when they try to get better Why sex and sexual frustration isn't the root of the problem How the incel community deliberately makes people feel worse The key to fixing the real problem that's driving incels ... and so much more. Related Links:  The "Problem" With Male Virginity  Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success  Where Do You Get Your

The question of “how do I get out of The Friend Zone” is among the top Google searches out there when it comes to relationship advice. The idea of the Friend Zone as a sort of dating Stalag-17 has driven more people into the Pick Up and Red Pill community than almost any other topic.  For a lot of guys, the Friend Zone is the ultimate expression of the dating binary: you’re good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing that you can do about it. Guys find themselves in platonic relationships with women that they’re attracted to because they don’t really know what to do or they’re to afraid to do what’s needed. As a result, you have people who are understandably and legitimately frustrated by a situation that they don’t fully get, or know what to do about it. So this week: there's no BS, no snake oil and no creepy, manipulative tactics. Just everything you need to know about why you're in The Friend Zone... and how to get out of it. Show Highlights:  What most men don't understand about The Friend Zone Ho

One of the long-running questions that men have tried to solve has been why women choose to date and sleep with some men over others — and, more importantly, how we could become those men. This is something that a lot of men get wrong, in no small part because one of the mistakes guys make is that they tend to look in the wrong place. What women tend to find attractive isn’t looks or status or money, it’s value. Women who’re interested in men want to find a high-value man. But the question is: what does that value look like and how do you become a high-value man? Show Highlights: What men get wrong about what women look for in a man Why looks, money and status aren't as important as you think How to build and demonstrate your value How confidence and neediness affect value The difference between a high-value man and someone trying to fake value ... and so much more. Related Links: How To Be A High-Status Man What Matters More: Looks or Personality? How To Demonstrate Value Instant Charisma Finding True Conf

Toxic masculinity doesn’t mean that that being a man is toxic, bad or even undesirable. At the same time non-toxic or positive masculinity doesn’t mean apologizing for being a man or trying to be as gender neutral as possible. While toxic masculinity refers to behaviors and beliefs about manhood and masculinity that are lauded as positive and to be emulated when, in reality, they’re painful, detrimental or destructive to the individual or society as a whole, positive masculinity expands what it means to be a man - physically, emotionally or even socially. But it’s while easy to talk about what positive masculinity isn’t, it sometimes can be hard to conceive of what it is. So let's examine just what positive forms of masculinity look like in the modern era. Show Highlights:  Why toxic masculinity isn't about apologizing for being a man How positive masculinity exists beyond Terry Crews and Captain America How Mr. Rogers' gentle, caring manhood influenced a generation Why sex is an important part of positive m

What do Men’s Rights Advocates, popular self-help gurus, the alt-right and the movie Fight Club all have in common? They're all trying to answer the question of "What's wrong with men?"  It’s pretty undeniable that men are facing a tipping point in today’s society. Whether we’re talking about the changes inspired by Me Too movement, the fact that women now outnumber men in undergraduate programs across the country, the way the economy impacts gender roles or the ongoing question of just what does it mean to be a man now… men are in a state of change and flux. And there are a lot of men out there who feel lost, confused, even a little scared. But there are people out there who use those anxieties against us. Why do men feel so disconnected and lost in this day and age and what is the answer to finding our masculinity again? Show Highlights: Why Fight Club remains relevant today How MRAs, the alt-right and Jordan Peterson use a mythical "lost masculinity" as a recruiting tool Why men feel disconnected from bei

Normally when I talk about dating issues, I'm talking about issues that primarily affect men, from a man's perspective. However, it can also be incredibly useful to look at the dating issues that women face as well. Not only does this help overcome misconceptions that men often have about the dating experience for women, but also illustrates ways that our own misunderstandings about relationships and what women want can get in the way of dating success. So this week, I'm talking with Jenna Birch, author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win at Life And Love about her book, what women go through in the modern dating world and what straight men might want to know about dating from the other side of the equation. Show Highlights: How men and women approach dating differently Why what we say we want in a partner and what we actually pursue are often so different Laser thinking vs. Web thinking How Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs can affect your love life Why backburnering may not be a bad thing after all And so mu

This week we're doing something different. With the continuing progress of #metoo, #timesup and the questions about consent, there's no better time to talk about building towards a culture of enthusiastic consent. That's why I sit down with activist and writer Kitty Stryker, the editor of "Ask: Building Consent Culture" and talk about Aziz Ansari, what consent culture would look like, how society trains everyone to ignore their own boundaries and how to start examining the other ways we push boundaries - both our own and other people's. Show Highlights: How we get consent wrong Why we find enthusiastic consent to be so scary Why everyone makes mistakes regarding consent and how to handle them How examining non-sexual consent makes it easier to talk about sexual agency What it takes to build a society that prioritizes consent  and so much more. Related Links: Ask: Building Consent Culture The Trouble With Aziz Ansari How Do You Ask For Consent? F*ck Like A Gentleman pt. 1 Coerced Consent Don’t forget to